When there are no blinds

Jane Hoober Peifer moved to Harrisonburg, Virginia after retiring from pastoral ministry at Blossom Hill Mennonite Church in Lancaster, Pennsylvania in September of 2013. She continues ministry as a spiritual director, retreat leader and facilitator of Remote Day Retreats for Eastern Mennonite Seminary’s commitment to help pastors thrive. A particular joy in her life is making music – which she is deeply missing in these pandemic days. Jane is a member of the steering group of Mennonite Spiritual Directors Network. Jane and her husband Daryl are members of Shalom Mennonite Congregation in Harrisonburg, Virginia. 

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I can’t decide which is better – a false positive or a false negative? If my positive test is false, and I really do not have the virus, then I might quarantine without cause. If my negative test is false, and I really do have the virus, then you might get sick because of me. These questions that we are living with can really mess with our minds. The idea that a medical test cannot be trusted to tell the truth is unsettling at best. All of this and everything else right now lets me feel pretty vulnerable.

To add to my worrying this season, I learned that for my annual Advent retreat I was going to be staying in The Hermitage (a lone cabin in the woods) rather than in the safe and secure retreat house with other warm bodies. I comforted myself as I imagined pulling the blinds in the cabin – closing myself off to what the darkness might hold. But when I got there, there were no blinds. The first night, as darkness covered the earth, these words came.

“When There are no Blinds”

When there are no blinds
the darkness stares in the windows
like a family of nosy neighbors.

When there are no blinds
the windows – like mirrors
reflect exactly what they see.
When there are no blinds
the darkness, like a warm blanket
wraps tightly around the cabin form
holding its spot of light and warmth
as a child in its mother’s womb.

I like it better when I can pull the blinds
and shut out the nosy neighbors
who might need something of me.

I like it better when I can pull the blinds
and veil the mirrors
that reflect in me exactly what is.

But, when there are no blinds
I find strange comfort in the warmth and light
of being held by the wrapped embrace
of the darkness.

In this new year, I want to make peace with the dark vulnerability of these days.

I’ve decided that I only increase my suffering when I refuse to accept reality – what actually is. Afterall, life is vulnerable. And when there are no blinds to pull down, I am learning to rest in the strange and beautiful comfort found in the darkness and in the waiting. Thanks be to God.